by Stuart Ross
Hecuba: Grief is mine, I will repay.
Oracle: Why don’t we post the cover on social and drum up some buzz for the presales?
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Achilles: I’ve got this weakness, but there’s a clear arc, and I’m willing to go deeper into it through the oral tradition, if you know what I mean.
Oracle: How many checkmarks follow you on Instagram?
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Antigone: Hello. I am the original manic pixie dream girl. I won’t find peace until my brother’s long-read #personal essay documenting his struggle to renew his license (DMV-as-commodification-of late-capitalist-het-“romantic”-love) receives proper burial.
Oracle: Have you considered self-publishing? The stigma is gone, like with internet dating (except Craigslist). And with Amazon’s new proprietary technology you can send essays directly into your mother’s soul, with hundreds of five-star reviews.
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Colson of Whitehead: Hey friends. Thank you for sending me those ARCs written by super-talented indie scriveners. It was so cold at our Breck ski-in ski-out this past season, and they sure did help keep a voracious reader warm. If it weren’t for you guys hustling down at the bottom, I wouldn’t be able to cruise on top. Now I have a favor to ask of YOU. I’m having slight troubles placing my next novel because PenguinRandomHouseSaraLee is in conversations about merging with ExxonMobilChevronBP. The suits are involved, if you know what I mean. There’s even some talk of burning my backlist for fuel.
Oracle: Can you demonstrate to us in any quantifiable way that this has worked for you before?
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Pheme: This is my best work. This is going to make me famous.
Oracle: I heard you said this thing at a party that was different than the thing we said at the same party. Can’t you just be a decent human being?
Pheme: No, I can’t, I’m more a goddess.
Oracle: Kbye sorry thnxs.
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Herald: Hey! Just wanted to follow up quickly with you guys. The writing conference was a blast. Did you get my thing? It’s a masterful description of a triple murder that needed to occur offstage.
Per usual, we had no budget.
Oracle: We haven’t checked this inbox in twelve years. Do you have any coke?
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The Shteyngarts of Narcissus: It’s a tale. On a topical yarn. That we overheard. At a 63rd and Park dinner party. And then we riff a bit. Mesh it. With something we overheard. Waiting for the G train. With our daughters. At a stop. Deep in Brooklyn. Where our grandfathers sold whole life insurance policies. You call it bathos. We call it tradition. That reminds us of a funny story…
Oracle: Can you demonstrate to us in any quantifiable way that this has worked for you before?
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Apollo: You say bronzed cis white male with a nine pack who’s an expert with the bow like it’s a bad thing.
Oracle: Yeah sorry we’ve got enough sonnet sequences inspired by a Twitter thread in the queue right now.
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Agamemnon: Sirs! Might you have interest in my chapbook of poems anent the westerly wind?
Oracle: Sacrifice your daughter. Maybe we can make it happen 2026-ish.
Agamemnon: Where do I sign?
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Stuart Ross is the author of the novel Jenny in Corona (Tortoise Books, 2019) — follow his work @myskypager.